Can 36 Questions Lead to the Experience of Love?

Do you sometimes feel that conversations with your partner have become monotonous and that television or mobile phones often take the lead? It’s true that these devices can become crutches when conversation topics run dry, and even lead to making a tête-à-tête restaurant outing a bit awkward.

So, how can you reignite that spark of engaging conversation in your relationship, and keep it alive throughout the course of your love story?

In this article, we offer you an activity inspired by a renowned study, an activity that could not only rekindle the art of conversation but also awaken dormant romance.

A bit of history: The original experiment, designed by Dr. Arthur Aron, aimed to understand how emotional intimacy could develop between two individuals.

In 1997, Dr. Arthur Aron shared the fascinating results of this study. Although the initial goal was to create a certain level of intimacy between strangers the team of the American psychologist was surprised to discover that this process could also arouse romantic feelings.

In many cases, these pairs became couples, and one of them even celebrated their marriage a few months later! This underscores how deep and authentic questions can have a powerful impact on human relationships.

Psychology professor Arthur Aron, the creator of the 36 questions we will share here, explains:

“The theory is that when you’re in a romantic relationship for the first time, there’s intense excitement, but then you get used to each other,” Aron said. “If you do something new and stimulating, it reminds you how exciting it can be with your partner, and it improves your relationship.”

The questionnaire to help you (re)fall in love:

This questionnaire consists of 3 sets of questions that become progressively more intimate and profound at each stage. Ask the questions to each other alternately. You can take a break between each set. Be as authentic as possible in your responses; it’s through your vulnerability that the exercise is effective. And, of course, do not judge your partner’s answers.

You can use these questions both in a new relationship and in a relationship that has existed for decades. In the latter case, open yourselves up to see and hear your partner as if you were learning about them for the first time!

A person holding a whiteboard with the inscription 'What are you grateful for?' in large black letters. This simple act invites reflection and gratitude, key elements for building deep and sincere relationships, like those explored in the questions for falling in love.

Set 1

  1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
  2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
  3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
  4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
  5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
  6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
  7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
  8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
  9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
  10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
  11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
  12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set 2

  1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
  2. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
  3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
  4. What do you value most in a friendship?
  5. What is your most treasured memory?
  6. What is your most terrible memory?
  7. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
  8. What does friendship mean to you?
  9. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
  10. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
  11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
  12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set 3

  1. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …”
  2. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …”
  3. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
  4. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
  5. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
  6. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
  7. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
  8. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
  9. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet
  10. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why
  11. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
  12. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
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article written by:
Bianca Saia
Founder, Relationship Therapist
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