Do You Believe in the Concept of a “Sex Drive”? You know, the idea that the body literally needs sex to survive?
Curious to find out more? So am I.
Settle into your (blue) couch, plug in your metaphorical tools, and read on with me.
Deconstructing the Myth of the “Sex Drive”
Did you know that the idea of a “sex drive” is a myth?
In this context, a “drive” refers to a biological survival need—something that, if unmet, leads to death. Think: air, food, water, sleep, warmth.
I’m highly skeptical that anyone has ever died from a lack of sex.
Yes, I hear you—sexual deprivation can cause significant psychological distress for some people. And yes, there’s a collective belief (under growing scrutiny) that we must reproduce to keep humanity going. But from an individual biological standpoint, sexuality is not required for bodily survival.
Need a concrete example? Imagine you had to go a month without one of the following:
Food, water, air, sleep, warmth… or sex.
Which would you choose to give up?
That said, let’s not forget: Sexuality (with a capital S) is an essential part of personal fulfillment.
So why am I bringing this up today? Well, partly to get your attention (yep, I did it!).
But mostly because I want to invite you to look at sexuality from another angle.
So If It’s Not a Survival Need, What Draws Us Toward Sex?
According to Lauren Fogel Mersy and Jennifer A. Vencill, in their book Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships, sexuality—and the fluctuations in desire—are tied to motivation to meet a need.
Personally, I agree with their argument.
Motivation comes up constantly in my sessions with people who are dealing with low sexual desire. Why? Because fluctuation in desire is normal, not the exception.
The question isn’t “Why is my desire inconsistent?”
It’s more like:
- Has the situation been acknowledged?
- How is the discrepancy handled between partners?
- Has the underlying need been addressed?
- How was it addressed? Was it met? And if so, how?
Honestly, I could go on forever here—but I won’t get lost in my own rabbit holes.
Getting to the Core: What Motivates You to Have Sex?
This may sound like a simple question, but it’s a fundamental one.
I invite you to pause (besides, your stepson just called to ask for help changing his car tires) and make a list of what motivates you to engage in sexual or erotic activity.
To guide your reflection, try using these sentence prompts:
- I need [insert motivation] to initiate a sexual/erotic activity.
- If I have [insert motivation], then [insert intimate/erotic activity] can meet that need.
Need Inspiration? Here Are Some Common Motivations:
- To feel attractive
- To escape or change focus
- Because it feels good
- To feel loved
- To connect or reconnect with a partner
- To help fall asleep
- To relax
- To relieve stress
- To get pregnant
- To celebrate something
And that’s just scratching the surface. One study identified over 200 different reasons why someone might seek out sexual or intimate contact. There’s one motivation that comes up over and over again—in the research and in real life. It’s the core reason why people want to repeat sexual experiences again and again (and again…).
Curious what it is?
I’ll tell you at the end of the article.*** 😉
So Where Are We Going With All This?
Let me put it this way:
Would you use a hammer for every renovation project?
Unless you’re doing demolition work, the answer’s pretty obvious.
Every tool has its purpose. And guess what? The same applies to sexuality.
Each sexual/intimate/erotic activity serves a specific function (beyond the pursuit of the “Holy Grail”)—it’s meant to meet a need.
I often see couples stuck in a “one-size-fits-all” approach to sexuality—the hammer, again—and then wonder where the dissatisfaction is coming from.
When your approach doesn’t match your need, unmet needs can lead to sexual dissatisfaction—in couples and in solo contexts.
For example, for one person, the desire for connection might be met by simply cuddling naked under the blankets. That same person, after a stressful day at work, might want penetrative sex as a way to relax and fall asleep.
Same person. Different needs. Different approaches.
Why Not Make a List?
In my experience, very few couples have ongoing, open conversations about how they approach their sexual and erotic needs. Often, I hear about how each partner assumes what the other wants or how they speak so indirectly that even I feel like I’m navigating Montreal construction detours.
So What Can You Do?
Start by having honest conversations with your partner about your real preferences.
Make sure everyone’s available and willing to listen. Speak with kindness. The goal is dialogue, not dominance.
Watch out for communication traps like:
- Blaming or criticizing
- Shutting down and saying nothing
- Playing the victim
- Being condescending or sarcastic
These responses, at best, maintain the status quo—and at worst, make things worse.
Pro tip:
If you’re worried about getting off track, schedule a “connection date” with your partner and let them know the topics you want to cover.
Create a list of discussion points and even a set of ground rules if things get heated.
Leave some time afterward to reconnect and feel safe together again.
Another thing you can do is build 2 lists for each partner.
- A list of sexual/erotic/intimate needs
- A list of sexual/erotic/intimate activities that meet those needs
When a need arises, you can point to your list and say:
“This is what I’m feeling—and here’s something we could do to meet that need.”
A Word on Consent (Because It’s Vital)
I know you already know this—but it bears repeating:
Consent must always be absolute.
If someone feels pressured into sexual activity, it’s sexual coercion or assault. So what happens when one partner wants closeness but the other doesn’t feel up for it?
Talk. Discuss. Converse. Listen.
All the verbs that involve communicating—and yes, listening too. Once the topic is on the table, it’s often possible to find a compromise that respects both people’s needs.
If this topic resonates and you’d like to explore it more, don’t hesitate to book a session with me.
Together, we can explore your motivations and needs, and look at the forms of sexuality (solo, partnered, polyamorous) that could best support you.
Until then—I’ve got to go change my cousin’s car tires.
*** The answer to the core reason of sexuality? Pleasure. (But that’s a whole other article.)***
