Today I’m taking a detour from my usual science-flavoured articles. I don’t know if what I’m about to say is backed by research. What I do know is that many of us share, at least partly, my view on the topic of silent debts.
Welcome, dear reader, to the sexology break.
My life at 120 km/h
Before diving into the heart of the matter, I want to bring you back to my university years (2017–2021). I lived in an apartment in Montreal. I had four university courses (full time, because I have ADHD), which meant twelve hours in class plus twelve hours of formal and informal work.
On the side, I had three jobs that rotated depending on the time of year. And of course, my exam rushes always landed right when my work hours increased.
On average I worked about thirty hours a week. On top of that I volunteered around four hours a week to practise active listening. Altogether it added up to a sixty hour week of studying, volunteering and working.
And beyond all that, I went out at least three times a week and rarely skipped my outdoor runs, even at minus twenty. Moments of doing nothing were rare. It took a global pandemic to put an axe through that lifestyle. With work, school, friends, volunteering and training, I had built up a huge silent debt: my mental health.
What do you think I did after graduating? I left Montreal to live in a remote region from 2021 to 2024.
Back to nature… and new debts
There, I had the chance to live at a much slower pace. My days were set by sunlight and bonfires by the St. Lawrence River. Life seemed perfect until I realised the impact of my new silent debt: I no longer saw my friends or family. Slowly, the accumulated interest started to show. A gap grew each day, each week, each year that I spent away from the city. I missed many important moments. Distance settled in. My silent debt was enormous and I paid the price when I came back.
What is a silent debt?
When we talk about debt, people think of finances. And yes, for some, finances can be a silent debt, but they’re far from the only one. To keep our lives balanced, I believe we have to consider all the other spheres of life as well:
- Physical health
- Financial health
- Mental health
- Spiritual health
- Relational health
- Sexual health
Finding balance in each sphere is close to a miracle. Responsibilities, sudden urgencies, unpredictable life events, goals and ambitions create a context where everyone, at some point, chooses to invest in one or two areas at the expense of the others for a while. And that’s normal. But if you decide to massively invest in work, you’re borrowing time that was meant for the other spheres of your life. A silent debt is the unseen cost of putting time into one area while neglecting another without paying back the interest, meaning without making up for that neglected area in the near future.
Living on credit
This is where things get complicated. We often push back responsibilities and payments and live on credit. The interest on our silent debts slowly piles up. At first everything feels manageable. You find a bit of time here and there to compensate the gaps and the imbalance feels under control. Then responsibilities add up, and so do life’s emergencies. Eventually we end up making minimum payments on our silent debts:
- Going to the gym once a month
- Eating a healthy home-cooked meal once a week
- Having a date night once a month
This is the moment when things begin to slide. Warning signs light up on the dashboard, and many of us start justifying the pace to keep everything afloat:
“You’re never home with me and the kids!”
“I know, but someone has to pay for the house.”
“I’m not sleeping well.”
“Maybe I should take melatonin.”
“I’m always stressed.”
“It’s because of my boss.”
“I feel empty.”
“I don’t feel well and I don’t know why.”
“We haven’t had sex in ages.”
“Do you have tips to get us having sex again?”
“I eat out a lot.”
“At least it’s vegetarian.”
“My doctor told me to stop vaping.”
“But I only vape with my friends (and I go out five times a week).”
“I’m exhausted.”
“When will the melatonin start working?”
“I don’t have time…”
These lines, and so many others, come up constantly in conversations with my loved ones and my clients.
A very modern phenomenon
Of course I can’t ignore the pace of modern life. FOMO, ever-faster technology, inflation and therefore household debt, the pursuit of happiness, capitalism and more all have something to do with this. But our decision to accept this lifestyle is another part of the story.
Since coming back to Montreal, I notice that people around me are extremely busy. They rush to drop kids at daycare. They work constant overtime. They go out three or four times a week. They’re renovating their homes. When we try to plan something, they say:
“I’m free at the end of June.” And it’s May 20. How did we get here? I wondered.
Then I realised. Coming back from remote regions, I slipped back into city speed without thinking of the consequences. It didn’t take long before my agenda was full again and I was spinning between sports, outings and work. In my fast-moving car, I was driving at 120 km/h, refusing to look at my blind spots (my mental health) and telling myself I’d pay back that silent debt someday.
Adjusting course
In January I slowed down when I saw I was heading straight into the wall again. I reflected on my time in school and my jobs in the regions and on all my silent debts. Then I made a choice. I reorganised my time and gave each sphere of my life the attention it needed. I understood that to pay off my silent debts, I had to act. The urgency to live requires slowing down and rethinking our choices. I invite you to do the same.
Behind the sexologist’s office door
“Lately my partner and I have been having desire issues. I don’t remember the last time we had a date.”
“Yes, we love each other. Sometimes we go out and spend time together. Yes, it’s quality time. Well… sort of.”
“I want to reconnect with my sexuality, but how? I’m overwhelmed with work, kids, friends, the dog.”
When I meet clients for the first time, I explore their lifestyle. I often see that sexuality is the first sphere sacrificed when life spills over. Why? I believe sexuality, unlike our lifestyle, requires presence, slowness, connection. This contradiction is a source of frustration for many couples. So I continue by exploring why they maintain this rhythm and how they can carve out, even squeeze in, a haven for sexuality.
A few ideas for you
I’d like to share a few reflections for paying off your silent debts during a phase of imbalance. Think of it as budgeting your time. No need for calculators or Excel sheets.
You can use apps like Clockify to track your daily routine. And you can practise what I call micro-rebalancing to maintain a controlled imbalance when needed. Reflect on one sphere of your life that needs love and give it small, meaningful attention. Want examples for sexuality?
- Have you thought of leaving a love note in your partner’s lunchbox?
- Placing an erotic object somewhere the other will find it to create a bit of build-up.
- Taking one minute before your partner leaves to hug them.
- Taking ten minutes of your day, without screens, to share thoughts.
Food for thought
- Which sphere of your life feels “on credit” right now?
- Do you feel the effects of a silent debt? If so, which one?
- How does your pace of life affect your sexual desire?
- When you think about your intimacy, what signals might point to a silent debt?
- What would “budgeting time” for sexuality mean for you?
What small, simple but meaningful gesture could you make this week to nurture your intimacy?
Conclusion
The goal of this reflection isn’t to guilt you. As I said at the beginning, balancing all spheres of life is close to a miracle. But if you heavily invest in one sphere at the expense of another, you’re the one who must observe how that investment affects the rest of your life.
Need help reorganising your priorities? At Divan Bleu, therapists and sexologists can support you in this process.
Warm wishes.
I want to thank my father-in-law for inspiring this article. Thank you for your wise advice.
