When the urge to please others no longer feels satisfying
For a long time, I wanted to please people without even realizing it. Saying yes, making others happy, seeing them smile—it all felt normal, even rewarding. After all, being a good person means being generous too, right?
But over time, I started to feel a discomfort. A kind of fatigue, like I was forgetting myself too often. Because in truth, there’s a fine line between kindness and self-erasure.
We tell ourselves that wanting to please is a great quality. But when you take a step back, you realize that in some situations, it can do more harm than good…
A hard truth to face
There was something sneaky about this behaviour. First, I could say no and set boundaries… but it was hard. Every time I managed to assert myself, it would be accompanied by guilt. So over time I started avoiding those feelings by setting boundaries less and less.
Second, seeing others happy gave me deep satisfaction and I held a strong belief that others mattered more than me. But by constantly putting them first, I started feeling empty. That quiet discomfort settled in at work, in my family, in my romantic relationship. Without noticing, I was slowly disappearing.
In my relationships, I would often say “yes” without much thought. Sometimes I’d say no, but clumsily, and afraid to disappoint. Eventually, I realized I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore. What truly mattered to me. I was present physically… but emotionally absent.
The shift happened when I finally noticed this pattern. Thanks to my therapist and the therapy school CRAM (who I’m so grateful for), I began paying attention to that little voice inside. The one whispering that I was fading into the background. I saw how, little by little, I had let others take up all the space.
But reclaiming your space isn’t something that happens overnight. It’s uncomfortable. At first, I wanted to blame others: “They don’t give me any space! They’re so selfish!” Then I realized… it wasn’t them. It was me. I gave them that space. I had stepped aside. They were only taking what was offered to them.
Bit by bit, I learned to listen to myself, to give myself permission to exist, to accept that my choices might upset others. That urge to please hasn’t vanished. But now I notice that automatic response. Instead of letting it lead my choices, I pause, breathe, and ask myself the real questions: ”In this situation, what do I truly want?” I’d take a moment to see what was coming up inside, and whether it felt right.
And that… is profoundly more powerful.
The signs that don’t lie: what people-pleasing does to relationships
- Loss of authenticity: The more I tried to please others, the more disconnected I became from my true self. It became hard to even know what mattered to me. I see this with clients too. They often arrive in my office and talk more about others’ needs than their own.
- Resentment and frustration: Over time, I felt resentment creeping in. I’d feel “used” or unappreciated. I thought I had to keep going because of what others expected of me when really, it all stemmed from me.
- Struggling to assert myself or set boundaries: It was hard to speak up, to take space, to even talk about myself in conversations. I’d try to set boundaries, but I’d start by apologizing when it wasn’t necessary, which immediately made me feel less confident.
I remember once at my old job, I was asked if I wanted to take on a bigger territory, Toronto, in addition to what I already had. I almost said yes right away. But my boss told me to take the weekend to think about it.
At that time, I was just starting to set boundaries at work. This decision was one of the hardest for me. I was only thinking about what my bosses needed—it was so hard to shift back and ask what I wanted. Thankfully, my wife helped me reflect and see how it would impact me and our family.
When Monday came and it was time to answer, I remember apologizing before I even said anything. I was so afraid of disappointing them, even of getting fired. In the end, I said no. And do you know what my boss said? He told me he would’ve done the same thing in my place and his respect for me only grew.
It’s wild how our inner stories can be so far from reality.
Solutions: Letting go of the need to please. Moving towards authenticity, confidence, and self-love
Identify the situations that trigger the behavior:
I started by noticing the people, situations, or emotions that triggered my fear of disappointing. For example: being asked to take on more work; seeing someone react negatively to what I said; staying silent to avoid conflict with loved ones. Recognizing these triggers is the first step to breaking the cycle.
Accept with kindness:
When I finally saw this behavior in myself, I wasn’t proud. I judged myself harshly and wanted it gone immediately. You’ve probably heard the quote: “What you resist persists, what you embrace dissolves” by Carl Jung. It wasn’t until I realized my behavior came from deeper fears—of not being loved or accepted—that I learned to meet it with compassion. I began treating myself the way I would treat someone I care about. That gentle self-acceptance helped me return to myself, reclaim my power and responsibility, and listen to my own needs.
Learn to assert yourself and exist in relationships:
Speaking up and asserting yourself is crucial for emotional and mental wellbeing. One thing that helped me take space was this idea: asserting yourself isn’t just about you—you’re also honoring the relationship and the other person by being honest. The people around you need to hear you too.
Asserting myself with friends—sharing opinions, saying no—was hard. So I started small: giving my opinion in a conversation, picking a restaurant with my partner, talking about myself with my dad. Gradually, I worked up to the more difficult moments.
One question that really helped me was: “In this situation, what do I truly want?” I’d take a moment to see what was coming up inside, and whether it felt right.
Seek support:
One trap is expecting our partners or loved ones to know what’s going on without telling them. I highly recommend opening up about it. When I talked to my wife, it helped a lot—she understood and even started asking me if I was okay with certain decisions, which helped me reconnect with myself.
My therapist helped me tremendously as well—understanding this behavior, taking back my responsibility, and regaining my sense of self in relationships. I felt more satisfaction, confidence, and kindness toward myself.
Conclusion
Learning not to please at all costs isn’t selfish… in fact, once you’ve learned to really listen to yourself, you’re better at listening to others.
This behavior is still in me, but it’s become easier and more natural to notice. I’m better at observing my habits, tuning into my emotions, and recognizing my needs so I can assert myself and exist fully in relationships and those I’m in relationship with enjoy having better access to my authentic self.
Remember: every time you dare to speak up and choose what truly resonates for you, you take one more step toward a powerful inner freedom.
So next time you feel the urge to please pulling you away from yourself—pause, breathe… and ask:
“In this situation, What do I truly want?”
Give yourself the right to exist in your relationships.
Because your voice, your desires, your needs… they matter.
