A discrepancy or decrease in sexual desire between partners is not a problem in and of itself. In fact, it’s more the norm than the exception. Once we recognize this, it becomes worth taking a moment (even just a short pause) to look at it more closely. So I invite you to settle comfortably on your couch and join me in briefly exploring the topic of sexual desire.
What is sexual desire?
Just type the keywords “sexual desire” into a search engine and you’ll find an astronomical number of definitions. Think it’s any different in science? Not at all! When I started putting together my sexology workshop on decreased sexual desire, I found no fewer than 87,000 scientific articles just using the words “sexual desire.” What a puzzle!
After long hours spent sitting at my desk, I came to realize that even in science, there’s no consensus on how to define sexual desire, because it…
- Encompasses the whole person, including their relationship with themselves and with others.
- Is shaped by local, regional, and global sociopolitical contexts.
- Is dynamic and evolves through life experiences and changing circumstances.
- Responds to needs—some conscious, some not.
- Can show up unexpectedly or vanish when you most expect it.
So, it’s no surprise (though entirely understandable) that behind closed doors, people say all sorts of things about sexual desire.
How can we define sexual desire?
As you may have guessed by now, sexual desire is unique to each individual and constantly changing. But since science continues to march forward, certain themes do emerge around key points:
- It may be a motivational state aimed at continuing an activity perceived as erotic or sexual—or the energy that draws someone toward eroticism or sexuality.
- It may pursue a variety of goals to meet a need: pleasure, intimacy, relaxation, exploration.
- It may or may not be accompanied by romantic feelings.
- It is distinct from the physiological sexual response.
- It can arise from the enjoyment of a pleasurable or anticipated erotic momentum.
- It can be spontaneous or responsive—or both.
- It is a combination of personal and contextual factors, making it entirely unique.
- It’s based on intention and requires at least some degree of effort.
- Its intensity fluctuates, and sometimes, it’s completely absent (which is totally normal!).
What do you think? It’s entirely possible that everything I’ve just described aligns with your own definition of sexual desire—and that’s perfectly normal.
It’s also possible that only parts of it reflect your personal experience of desire—and that’s normal too.
And finally, it’s possible that none of it matches your personal definition—and (you guessed it!) that’s also normal.
Each person has their own unique set of factors that either nourish or inhibit their sexual desire. What matters most is identifying yours so you can better understand how to cultivate eroticism in your everyday life.
Another way of looking at it…
We could also define sexual desire in terms of the intensity (or gradient) of personal components that may or may not be present at any given moment.
Yes, I know—this sounds like it came straight out of a social sciences term paper by a student from the “no math, please” track (been there, done that).
But hear me out—I promise to break it down with an example.
Each of us has certain components (think of them as ceiling lights). When they get “switched on,” their brightness can increase—or not—depending on your mood, your motivation, and (drumroll!) the context.
Why go through the trouble of “defining” sexual desire?
Simply to help you identify a few of the ingredients that make up your desire. Later on, these will help guide you in figuring out what to prioritize (or let go of) when it comes to nurturing eroticism in your day-to-day life.
Simple answer? Everything!
More elaborate answer? It depends (among other things, on context).
If I asked you to list five factors that influence your sexual desire, you’d probably be able to do it without too much trouble.
Now let’s raise the stakes: what about 100 factors?
You might say that’s a lot—but hear me out…
Sexual desire is a part of your sexuality that is sensitive to many aspects of your life—sexual and non-sexual—and it also affects many other parts of your everyday life.
Some of these influences we’re clearly aware of; others, not so much—and some, we’re completely unaware of.
Among the lesser-known influences are:
→ Unequal division of household tasks
→ Different forms of oppression
→ The political climate and eco-anxiety
→ Pain during penetrative sex (much more common than people think)
→ Shame and guilt
→ Medication (including some commonly prescribed for anxiety and depression)
→ Relationship dynamics
Of course, not all of these factors have the same impact on everyone.
Bronfenbrenner’s ecological model illustrates this dynamic beautifully: our sexual desire is shaped by a network of interconnected layers that influence each other.
I invite you to take a look at this model to better grasp the complexity of human development—and, by extension, sexual development.
Why does this matter so much?
Once again, I hear you—what’s the point of knowing all this?
Simply put, if you notice a decrease or fluctuation in your sexual desire and it’s causing you distress, it might be a symptom of something deeper.
Any ideas?
I invite you to reflect on that for a moment.
Let me emphasize again: fluctuations or decreases in sexual desire are normal, and in themselves, they aren’t a problem.
So, what is the problem?
Good question!
We’ll come back to that soon… let’s keep a little suspense, shall we?
See you next time!
