I’ll say this right away. What follows may be hard for some people to read and even harder to believe. I was shocked to learn that empathy truly does have a dark side. It took time for me to digest that idea, and more time to notice how dark empathy shows up in our relationships. So I’m offering you a few minutes to explore this human phenomenon that lives quietly inside many of our interpersonal connections.
Welcome, dear reader, to the sexology break.
What is empathy?
Did you know that the concept of empathy is relatively young? It was an American psychologist, Robert Titchener, who coined the word in 1909. Its roots come from the German term Einfühlung, which loosely translates to “in-feeling.” The philosopher Robert Vischer created it in 1873 to describe the experience of feeling the emotion the artist infused into a painting or a novel.
You can guess how much the definition has evolved over the past century. Today, in everyday language, empathy is our ability to understand what someone else is thinking, feeling or living, as if we were in their place, while staying connected to ourselves. Empathy differs from sympathy because of that deep resonance with the other’s experience. Sympathy means recognising another’s suffering or difficult emotion without necessarily feeling it with them, or feeling it less intensely. Sympathy is more a form of kindness and support. And of course, we all describe reality and the concepts in our world in our own ways.
Some clients ask me when and how they know they’re feeling empathy. A fair question. I usually think of the concern we feel when we see a child fall off a tricycle, or the discomfort of watching two loved ones argue, or even the aversion some people feel watching someone get a blood test.
Many of us (myself included) assume that empathy is fundamentally benevolent.
And this is where things take a darker turn.
What is dark empathy?
According to Tanya Singer (a neurobiologist cited in the book Brain Talk), empathy can be used to identify someone’s vulnerabilities for the purpose of hurting them or keeping them in a state of confusion or hypervigilance.
This perspective from Dr. Singer invites us to separate empathy from kindness and centre it on our ability to understand another person’s reality. David Schnarch draws the line between benevolent empathy and dark empathy based on the presence or absence of compassion. And contrary to popular belief, dark empathy isn’t limited to psychopathic personalities. Not at all. Dark empathy is a universal feature of the human condition.
A shock, right? How can this be true? How can someone use empathy to hurt a person they love? For Schnarch, it isn’t a loss of connection. It’s the opposite. Partners can hurt each other precisely because they’re connected.
How is it that some partners know exactly how to hurt the other?
Let’s take Jean-Marc and Gisèle (a fictional couple), together for two years.
The early excitement has faded, as it always does. Daily life has returned. Each is showing more of who they are, with their strengths, psychological allergies, habits and quirks. All normal.
This phase of a relationship often brings tensions, sometimes quietly and sometimes loudly. It’s something many couples go through.
Gisèle’s experience
Lately, Gisèle feels neglected. She notices that Jean-Marc gives her less and less attention. Moments of tenderness or shared time have become rare. A distance has formed. She can’t quite name it, but it weighs heavily. She tried to bring it up, but after seeing his reaction (“Come on, we spend time together every evening after work!”), she chose to avoid certain conversations.
Jean-Marc’s experience
Jean-Marc feels uneasy. He senses something is wrong, yet he can’t put words to it or bring up sensitive topics. He remembers how his parents fought through his childhood, all the way to divorce. Out of fear of hurting Gisèle or fear that a conversation might spiral toward separation, he withdraws into himself.
And the couple?
Little by little, important conversations get shelved. The growing elephant in the room is ignored. Everyone hopes things will fix themselves. But in silence, tension accumulates. Compassion, that active caring we offer one another, erodes. What remains is empathy… which begins to shift.
This is where dark empathy can surface. Even when partners are emotionally distant, they remain connected. And because they know each other, they know exactly where the other is vulnerable.
Sharp comments. Heavy silences. Sarcasm. Deflecting blame. Emotional guessing games. These behaviours creep into the background of the relationship, creating a place where suffering expresses itself without being named.
What’s striking is that partners are often aware of the effect of their words or actions. And it’s precisely because they were close, loved each other and shared intimacy that they know where it hurts. Without connection, without empathy, it wouldn’t be possible.
This dynamic isn’t limited to romantic partners. Dark empathy shows up in many relationships:
- Between colleagues
- Between friends
- Between family members
- Between neighbours
Wherever a bond has existed, there is room for injury. And sometimes empathy, instead of uniting, becomes a tool for striking where it hurts.
“Only the noblest part of us dares speak of what is worst in us, because the worst in us denies its own existence.” — Nietzsche
Before jumping to conclusions or jumping on your partner for what you think they’ve done, take a breath and research the topic thoroughly. This article alone isn’t enough to draw conclusions. I’m inviting you to reflect on your own dark side, to hold the mirror up to yourself, because we all have one. We all use dark empathy at times. One helpful approach is to look at your intention behind your words or actions toward loved ones. Intention reveals so much about the roots of our behaviour.
A simple example:
When I [insert word or action], what is my intention?
David Schnarch developed an entire science around mindmapping, the art of reading another person’s intentions, and he makes fascinating connections with dark empathy. I strongly recommend his book Brain Talk if you want to explore a challenging but relevant topic.
Also, before accusing your partner of using dark empathy, take time to distinguish between unpleasant words or behaviours and genuinely harmful ones. It might save you from opening a conflict where a simple conversation could work wonders.
Curious to learn more? Come see me and we can dig deeper.
Looking forward to seeing you again.
Sources:
- Kleinplatz, P. & Ménard, A. (2020). Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers. Routledge.
- Schnarch, D. M. (2018). Brain Talk: How Mind Mapping Brain Science Can Change Your Life & Everyone in It. Sterling Publishers.
